Will Dwight call Amway home for the All Star Weekend with Burnsy?

I made a number of resolutions for 2012, but most of them involve restraining my desire to be nude in public and completing my dream for a Homeless Football League, so I won’t bore you with those details. Instead, we’ll talk once again about our Orlando Magic and my promise to be nicer to them and more optimistic about the team’s future once Dwight Howard figures out what the hell it is that he wants for his career.
For starters, he said that he would like to be traded to New Jersey to play for the eventual Brooklyn Nets alongside his BFF Deron Williams and with Kim Kardashian’s mouth-breathing ex-husband Kris Humphries. I think this is a colossal mistake for D12, as I watched the Magic play the Nets recently and even a child could see that the Nets are a long, long ways away from being a contender, even with Dwight and Deron running the show.
But instead of pointing out the obvious, I’ll give Dwight and you wonderful readers 10 great reasons why playing for the Nets would be a disastrous decision.

10) The Nets are owned by Mikhail Prokhorov, who may seem like just your average Russian billionaire who got wealthy by hoarding all of his country’s oil reserves, but he’s also allegedly quite the mafia man. Look, I’m already uncomfortable talking about this, because I’m meaningless and insignificant to a guy like Mikhail. But you? You think he’s going to let you off with a slap on the wrist for all those missed free throws? Trust me, he’ll find cement shoes in your size.

9) The Nets’ minority owner is, of course, rapper and vodka mogul Jay-Z, who I’m sure you’ve met and have discussed collaborating with on a Kidz Bop rap album. But he has a kid on the way and that’s going to take up a serious chunk of his time. He won’t be there to defend the team when the Nets are losing by 40 to the Knicks because everyone knows to lock down you and Deron.

8) Dude, have you met Kris Humphries? The guy looks like he’s fascinated by tin foil. I guarantee that he’ll introduce himself to you at least 10 times the first day and then the rest of the time he’ll try to tell you all about the one that got away, when all you need to know is she has a huge ass and got famous by sleeping with Brandy’s brother.

7) A few weeks ago, people started a rumor that Bon Jovi was dead, when he was perfectly fine. That’s what people in New Jersey do when they’re disappointed with someone, they pretend that the person is dead so they’re used to the idea when the Russian mob finally arrives.

6) On a basketball level, the Nets will always be the Clippers to the Knicks’ Lakers. Forget the big new arena – which will probably be built with a ton of asbestos – and the allure of a team in Brooklyn led by two All-Stars. New York City will still belong to Carmelo Anthony, Amar’e Stoudamire and the New York Knicks. And Spike Lee will hate you and call you names like Slight Howard, because he’s not funny like I am.

5) Even worse than playing second fiddle to the Knicks, you’re going to always going to be compared to the New York Mets, which is like your friend telling you that your new girlfriend reminds you a lot of Kirstie Alley. You might as well start drinking mayonnaise smoothies now.

4) Kate Upton is already dating Mark Sanchez. After her, there are like no quality girls in New York. You’d have to date Kenan Thompson in a wig, and even then you’d never laugh. Not once.

3) Speaking of the New York Jets, you have massive feet, so you’re going to be getting calls at all hours of the day from Rex Ryan asking if he can get an autographed pair of your shoes. But he doesn’t want them for the value; he wants them so he can act out his crazy fat guy fantasies on them.

2) In Orlando, you only have to deal with rude foreign people if you go out near the Disney area. In New York, they’re EVERYWHERE. Imagine all those Asian people coming up to you and asking for your picture because you’re so tall. It’s going to be very annoying.

1) Orlando may have its share of bums, but New York has the stabby, give-you-AIDSy bums. Those are the worst kind, buddy.

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