The 7 Emotions of Dealing with Dwight’s Free Agency!

The end of the NBA lockout was a good news/bad news scenario for us Orlando Magic fans. The good news is that the season is saved and Dwight Howard will suit up and try once again to lead us to a NBA title. The bad news is that we’re in for a hell storm of rumors about D12’s destiny as a free agent after this season. Hell, the trade rumors have already started, with both the Los Angeles Lakers and Clippers stepping in, as well as the New Jersey (Brooklyn) Nets, Dallas Mavericks and Boston Celtics entering the frenzy before this year’s free agency period has even begun.

It’s going to be worse than hell, people. It’ll be like hell had sex with a Kardashian and made a baby of flames and body hair. So how do we deal with it? You’re lucky, I started dealing with it last year just so I could help everyone else through it now. I was going to preview the shortened, 66-game season in this month’s column (blah blah blah, the Miami Heat will win a title), but instead I’ll walk you through the easiest way that you can cope with the rumors and possible reality of Howard’s End.

1) Anger – The easiest response is to be angry with Dwight for leaving us. After all, the biggest weapon we have is that Howard rhymes with coward. Get ready to use that plenty when the anger consumes you. But we’ll also be angry with the city for not embracing its most important citizen and we’ll be angriest at Otis Smith for mishandling our star and the roster around him every step of the way.

2) Despair – A lot of the Johnny-Come-Lately Magic fans weren’t around for the Shaquille O’Neal exodus, but it was nasty. Cleveland at least had the Browns and Indians to fall back on after LeBron James left. We have nothing. The diehard Magic fans are going to feel hopeless and alone if Howard leaves, turning the Amway Center into a walk-in clinic for cutters and jumpers, instead of a venue for championship basketball.

3) Depression – Beyond despair exists utter hopelessness and the feeling that there’s no reason to go on. It usually involves sweatpants, fat chicks and really heavy drinking. And not the fun kind of heavy drinking that involves shaving the dog and peeing in your neighbor’s fish tank. This is kind with waking up in a dumpster and wondering where your pinky finger went.

4) Rage – DAMN YOU DWIGHT HOWARD!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SIGN YOUR F*CKING EXTENSION, YOU GREEDY PIECE OF CHICKEN TAINT!!! YOU DESTOROYED OUR CITY AND OUR MAGIC AND I BLAME YOU FOR THE ECONOMY AND STUDENT LOANS AND EARTHQUAKES AND NICKELBACK!!!

5) Shame – Why? Why did I even bother liking the Magic? Am I really this big of a loser? Do I do this to myself on purpose? Should I call my ex-girlfriend who used to beat me with her high-heeled shoes while she put cigarettes out on my ass and called me her “Donkey Slut”? I’m such a worthless douche knob.

6) Abandonment – Dwight’s gone. Soon JJ and Ryno will probably leave. Stan, too. Who wants to stick around a loser like me in a loser town like this? My dog is probably going to pack her bags in the middle of the night and go live with a Heat fan. This is just like when my mom left to get cigarettes that one day and then she came back because she had to get her suitcase and all of her clothes and then she left me forever. Except I doubt that Dwight will occasionally send me postcards calling me a loser and blaming me for everything. Might as well, though.

7) Acceptance or Retreat – Finally, it’s the crossroads. Half of the Magic fans and fine people of this city will see the sun over the horizon and decide that it’s time to pick up the pieces and move on. Heck, if Dallas can win a championship after years of being terrible, then the Magic can draft the right players, sign the right free agents and put together a championship contender, too. Or…

Everyone can bail and become Heat fans, as I fear will be the sad reality. It’s not too late to tell Dwight how you feel and beg him to stay. Maybe try letting him sleep with your sister. Every little effort counts.