Talkin’ Bout A Resolution…

With each New Year comes a promise. We tell ourselves that we’ll do at least one thing better, improve upon one glaring mistake in our lives, and build on the previous year to further our successes. But I don’t know a damn thing about that, because I am f*cking perfect. Seriously, I showed my abs to the entire Victoria’s Secret model roster and they all got pregnant. If I have one resolution in this new year, it’s to stop being so damn awesome and give you little people a chance to at least pretend to be like me.

But I’m also a humble guy, so I’m willing to at least pretend like I’m flawed for the sake of brevity. You see, when I was a teenager, it took me at least two attempts before I convinced a girl to have sex with me for the first time. In fairness, the first girl was deaf, so she couldn’t hear me telling her how I was going to split in her in two. Either way, it showed a flaw - I can’t talk to deaf people. So I know what it’s like to be normal. I don’t like it, and I pity the average person, but my pity is your benefit. Because I am going to give you, my friends and fellow Orlandonians, some very special New Year’s resolutions that you can use to make yourself better in 2011.

1) You should resolve to stop wearing Ed Hardy. Seriously. Stop it. I’m not kidding.  Stop laughing and go to your closet and throw that sh*t out.  And unless you’re fighting Clay Guida next week, throw that Affliction crap out, too. This goes double for anyone over 30. Nobody thinks the dragons on your clothes are cool, and if you own even a test sample of Ed Hardy cologne, then God help you.

2) You should resolve to stop pretending you were a Miami Heat fan before this season. You weren’t. I know it, you know it, and the teenager with terrible acne working at Sports Authority knew it when you purchased that discounted Chris Bosh jersey. I’m not saying that the Orlando Magic doesn’t have its bandwagon fans, but stop acting like you’ve been a Heat fan since the beginning. You have no clue who Sherman Douglas and Harold Miner are. Stop it. 

3) You should resolve to include the phrase “Do yo thang, lesbians!” into your everyday vernacular. It will show people that you are tolerant of other people and their preferences and it might get more hot chicks to make out. It’s time you started giving back to the community.

4) You should resolve to send an email, letter, fax, telegram or carrier pigeon to City Hall, telling Mayor Buddy Dyer what a terrible idea and waste of money his “homeless meters” are. Have you seen the free food line at Lake Eola on Wednesdays? If that’s not a sign of a serious problem, then I don’t know what is. There are kids out there. And you’re telling me that by putting change into a meter so we can support organizations that help the homeless I can not wake up to find my Jeep Wrangler ransacked for a fifth time in one year? Excuse me if my dismissive wanking isn’t obvious. Better yet, write your message to Dyer and have a bum take it to him.

5) You should resolve to not drive like an assh*le when it’s raining. I’ve started walking everywhere downtown because I can’t stand the way people drive around here. In the first week of 2011, I have seen three people (all women, but that’s neither here nor there) drive the wrong way on Orange Avenue in the middle of the afternoon. And they each yelled at the other drivers because of their own mistake. Remarkable.

6) You should resolve to thank Magic GM Otis Smith for saving this team and city from the terrible contract of Rashard Lewis and the lazy indifference of Vince Carter. You should thank him for making some changes to breathe life into this team again. But you should also tell him that trading Jameer Nelson or JJ Redick is unacceptable.  Also unacceptable? Waiting 10 minutes to piss. But we’ll take things one step at a time here.