Burnsy is more almost famouser than you!

Like most months, I started prepping for this month’s editorial contribution by checking my email accounts that I keep specifically for my secret admirers, loyal fans and parole officers. As I cracked my knuckles, lit my incense and tore open a bag of whole wheat Funyuns, I noticed that I had an email from the esteemed publishers of Axis Magazine that read: “Dearest Squire Burns, we regret to inform thou that we dost hath enlisted Monseigneur Kyle Israel to preview the UCF football season, and thous hast becometh useless to us. Sincerely, Rick and Sean.”
    I knew they were serious because they used spellcheck for once, and didn’t sign it, “Beer farts and bong rips, Boner and the Teabag.” For the first time in my life I was left to question my place in this universe. And immediately I discovered the answer – world class poonhound. In the meantime, I decided that I could address the rumors of Chris Paul wanting to play for the Orlando Magic. I mean, why wouldn’t he want to come here and be my social wingman? Imagine the Hooters waitresses we’d get pregnant. Dare to dream, is what I tell elementary school children during my court-ordered community service work.

Then I came across this email from Dong Envy In Delaney Park: “Dear Burnsy, as Orlando’s foremost celebrity, I’m surprised that the team doesn’t ask you for help in encouraging bigger stars to become Magic fans. Also, my sister’s pregnant with twins thanks to your amazing potency.”
    That’s a great point, Dong. Orlando is in desperate need of a celebrity transfusion – some new famous blood, if you will. And you will, indeed, because I told you that you will. How hard is it to understand that I’m in charge around here? Here are some celebrity suggestions for the Orlando Magic to transplant to courtside this season…

John Travolta and Kelly Preston – The celebrity couple lives in Ocala, and neither of them does much work in the movie business anymore. So my idea is we let them set up one table at the new Amway Center so they can test people for thetans and Lord Xenu and whatever mumbo jumbo they practice and they have to be Magic fans. Also, Kelly has to reenact that one scene from Jerry Maguire with me. You know which one I’m talking about… the one where she calls Tom Cruise a loser.

Lindsay Lohan – As the world celebrates fire crotch’s release from jail, Lindsay needs a place to reinvent herself. I say we bring her to Orlando for a vacation, let her walk around like she owns the place and then come October we stick her at courtside. The only drawback is she’d probably try to snort the out-of-bounds line off the court.

Snooki – We bring the entire Jersey Shore crew to town, reopen Pleasure Island, and let them all fist pump away while the hepatitis eats their organs raw. Meanwhile, my sweet, sweet Snooki and I can take a swan ride around Lake Eola together before we hop aboard a horse-drawn carriage and head to the game. Wait, is Snooki the one with the big, huge fake boobs? Or is she the one that looks like a bowling ball giving birth to a turtle?

The guy who played Fez – What’s that guy up to anyway? He could come to the games and tell me about how he banged Mila Kunis while they were on That 70s Show, and then I could lock him in a freezer and ship it to hell.

Bill Clinton – Now we’re talking. Check your politics at the door, because everyone wants to party with Slick Willy. I mean, I’m a card-carrying Whig, but I’d still get down and chase some trim with Bill. That guy would have every Magic Dancer since 1989 hopping on his lap for pictures, and then I’d tell them all I was Al Gore, and they’d believe me because we look identical. I’d even let him bring Hillary. But he wouldn’t.

Holly Madison – Honestly, I just think she’s super hot. I’m not proud of it because she rode an old man’s disco stick to fame. We’re all allowed our shameful joys, and mine is believing that some day Holly will be washed up and desperate enough to settle for a guy who writes 800 words for Axis each month.

Mel Gibson – Haha, just kidding. He’s an actor, so he can go join 90% of Miami Heat fans and act like he liked them before July 8.

Shaq – Let’s face it, the Big Unwanted is going to sign with another crappy team. He’s not going to win anymore, and he’s going to keep showing up at Justin Bieber concerts professing his love to the 16-year old Canadian toolbox. Shaq might as well lend what little star power he has left and cheer on Dwight Howard as he continues to make everyone forget who Shaq is.

Catch more of Burnsy at WithLeather.com and Uproxx.com.