EQUAL OPPORTUNITY A.D.D and A.A. COLUMN!

In lieu of my standard Pulitzer Prize-winning, life-altering words of wisdom, I’ve decided that I’m going to start catering to the short attention span in all of us by tackling multiple – NAY! INFINITE! – topics in each of these monthly diatribes of dudeness. Consider it a verbal puke and rally to cover all of the hot topics that one month can handle. Ready? GO!

Magic News: Rumor has it that Otis Smith and the Orlando Magic (also the name of my least favorite 60s soul band) have been working on trades involving Monta Ellis, Andre Iguodala and Josh Smith, but obviously to no avail. That’s a shame, too, because the Magic are sorely lacking in more bad contracts for players who not only miss a ton of shots, but can’t create them well either. I don’t know a lot about being a NBA general manager, but if I’ve learned anything from Otis, it’s that people often get jobs they don’t deserve.

More Magic News: Speaking of Otis destroying the Magic’s future, a lot of people ask me, “What’s going on with Dwight Howard?” You know what’s not a good idea, Otis? Going on local radio and ripping your soon-to-be-free-agent superstar, a guy who is the last of a dead breed in the NBA, by saying he shouldn’t be telling ownership what he would like the team to do. If this makes no sense to you, as it doesn’t for me either, sleep well knowing that Gilbert Arenas is owed roughly $20 million this season.

Hooray, Homeless People: You know who else drives me insane? Hippies. Is it just a coincidence that the members of our local Food Not Bombs chapter decided to recently hold an illegal pancake breakfast at Lake Eola for this city’s increasing mob of transients at the same time that every major news crew in the country is camped out at the Orange County Courthouse? Haha, of course it’s not. Look, I doubt the Food Not Bombs people read Axis, but I’m hoping that maybe a bum will catch this in passing as he’s using pages to wipe his ass, and sends along my message. Feeding the homeless once a week solves nothing. Feeding them daily solves nothing. It simply feeds their apathy and lack of desire to change anything. Meanwhile, our homeless population is growing every day and so is our crime. By protesting the hard-working police daily at Lake Eola, you’re only making yourself more unpopular. Take a step back, get some reality, and do something that actually helps. Like pass out job applications. Especially to your own arrogant, spoiled members.

That Casey Anthony Thing: Oh yeah, have I mentioned Casey Anthony? Can we please not call this the “Trial of the Century”? Our local media has turned into an absolute embarrassment, so much that I would rather have Nancy Grace’s bloated rooster face pecking the news at me each night. This pathetic family and its neverending parade of lies has become a humiliating black eye on our city. But hey, at least it’s keeping people entertained.

Best Summer Movie Thus Far: X-Men: First Class. I was pretty surprised that I liked this movie so much. Michael Fassbender (Magneto) is very close to be elevated to the status of Instant Badass, which is a title held by Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, Sean Connery, James Caan and me. Honorable Mention: Thor. I thought this movie was going to blow, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. And it has nothing to do with my fetish for pregnant Natalie Portman. I promise.

Worst Summer Movie Thus Far: Bridesmaids. I don’t care what my girlfriend or a hot stripper at Dancers tells me, this movie was shamelessly packaged to attract men when it was just a sloppy rom-com with a few shit jokes. Shame on you, women everywhere.

The Most Heavily Played Song on My iPod Right Now: “Faith (When I Let You Down)” by Taking Back Sunday. Sure, I had a secret emo phase and I’m not proud of it, but these guys have stuck with me. It’s good for firing me up when I momentarily consider going to the gym.

The Most Heavily Played Album on My iPod: The Beastie Boys’ “Hot Sauce Committee Pt. 2”. These guys are like 70-years old and still awesome. Like the Jewish dads I never had.


The 5 Best Shows on TV this past season, since nothing is new right now:

5) Workaholics (already better than It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia),

4) Game of Thrones (although I’m reading the books before the show comes back),

3) Justified,

2) Parks and Recreation,

1) Archer.

Watch them and then discuss them with me like we’re intellectual.

Quote of the Day/Week/Month:
“A lot of people hate me, so I must be doing something right.”
– Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, to which I reply, What the hell have you ever done right?