Orlando is Burnsy

I’m going to let you in on a little secret – the Winter Olympics suck polar bear balls. Each sport that comprises the world’s most boring collection of sports ever invented was created for incredibly wealthy people who should be beaten with their own cross country skis. And every four years we’re subjected to the same human interest stories about American curlers, lonely Ukrainian lugers who earned their way to

by bouncing on the laps of filthy old men, and the army of Korean children who sew the feathers on Johnny Weir’s unitards.

Could the Winter Olympics ever actually be considered entertaining? It’s a possibility, but not with NBC running the show. After all, this is the network that has spent the last 25 years believing that Jay Leno is funny. But maybe in the hands of another network, the games could be salvaged and seem somewhat interesting for once. Take CBS, for instance. The same network that somehow makes people think “Two and a Half Men” is funny could at least slap a “CSI” in the title and 20 million morons would tune in out of obligation.

However, the only real solution is to air the Winter Olympics on BurnsTV in four years and watch hundreds of millions of people lock their eyes on the most entertaining athletic competitions in the history of man. Even people in Africa would buy TVs for the sole purpose of watching the Winter Olympics. My Winter Olympics would use the following ideas to win the world over and promote positive and beneficial competition to the world’s top athletes:

• Adding New Sports: Figure skating is lame. Speed skating is lame. Curling is kind of cool but only if you are HAMMERED. Even hockey is super lame. What’s not lame? Penguin fights. That’s right, we’ll take a page from Tijuana back alleys and pit two of the animal kingdom’s most adorable creatures against each other. But each penguin will have to be prepped in cooperation with the standards of each country’s military. So U.S. penguins would be strapped with heat-seaking missiles and body armor, while French penguins would come equipped with white flags and little signs that read: “We Love Germany.” Other sports I’d like to add? Polar Bear Riding, Walrus Tossing, and Hot Eskimo Chick Glacier Wrestling. All events will be sponsored by Jager.

• Fixing the Officiating: Everybody knows that the scoring at both the Winter and Summer Olympics are fixed to favor countries that aren’t the USA. This is ridiculous. The world doesn’t want to see Canada win the most gold medals in history. If they did, then why do we constantly remind everyone that America won more combined medals? The Olympics are about quantity, not quality. In my new Olympics, the U.S. would be given the best opportunity to win every gold medal possible. And before you say this is unfair and creates a competitive imbalance, just remember that nobody likes a complainer. Except Canadians, you don’t want to be a Canadian, do you?

• Hot Chicks Only: In all honesty, I thought the celebration by the Canadian women’s hockey team was pretty cool. Who doesn’t want to see a bunch of girls getting drunk and splashing beer all over each other? Now imagine they all look like Marisa Miller. See? Women’s hockey just became entertaining for the first time ever. Sure, the girls won’t have any talent, but nobody needs talent when wet t-shirts are involved.

• Real Ammo in the Biathlon: One night during the Olympics, I was flipping through the channels when I discovered the biathlon – Dudes on skis with guns. Should be pretty sweet, right? Wrong. There’s nothing fun about shooting at random targets, especially when you’re in Canada and there are so many awesome animals that can be hunted. Now before the animal rights activists get up in arms, the animals will have weapons, too. However, if a moose can’t learn how to use a M-16, that’s nobody’s fault but the moose. There is simply nothing cooler than the thought of a dude on skis shooting grenades at a pack of caribou. Blindfolded. While on fire.

• Finally, the Opening Ceremonies are always the most boring part. Oh hey, look at that flag and those flags, and there’s the country that’s not even participating yet is walking around with flags. Yawn. When that many people representing that many countries are in one place at one time, there’s only one way to kick it off: Thunderdome. The athletes who live can go on to play to lose to America.

Burnsy does not condone violence to animals, nor does he approve of calling girls “chicks” unless they’re super hot. “America” image provided by Vince Mancini of www.FilmDrunk.com.