Burnsy… A Man of the Streets…

Each week, I offer you social commentary and political insight in the pages of aXis that cannot be compared to anything else ever written by man or beast. Wait, what? This magazine is monthly? Then who the hell have I been sending my weekly column, “How Trained Tigers Would Help Keep Our Streets Safe: A 243-Part Look At Cyborg Animals” to? Oh well, the point is that I regularly blow your mind. Like, I literally make your minds explode. Don’t believe me? Check out this email that I received recently.

To: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
From: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Dear Mr. Burns, we smart doctor scientist people at the International Institute for Stuff About Brains would like to formally ask that you stop providing your zillions of readers with such mind-blowing revelations, because you’re making our job harder. Also, please stop banging our wives. We get it, you’re a macho stud, both brilliant and handsome and we’re nerdy geek dudes. Enclosed you’ll find our underwear pre-torn from our obligatory nuclear wedgies.
Sincerely,
Nerdy Geek Dudes

Look, I know that not everyone is capable of handling the awesome output of my brains. For instance, look no further than Orlando’s City Hall. For years the city’s leadership has been looking for an answer to the ever-increasing issue with homeless people in this city. While it seems like Lake Eola is a couple throw pillows and shopping carts away from becoming a tent city, most local politicians believe that there isn’t a simple, financially viable solution to reducing the number of vagrants on our streets.

We can’t put them on a bus and send them to Tampa because these people already have a hard enough life without having to live in Tampa. A simple idea might be rounding them up to gather a record of their personal information and attempt to track down immediate family members for assistance, but there’s effort in that and we’re short on that around these parts. A more difficult but worthwhile task might be developing programs to give them clean clothes through donations, as opposed to just giving away free stuff all the time, and then reintroducing those who are mentally capable to the idea of seeking employment and recuperating their quality of life in a mutually beneficial promotion of the city’s economic well-being. But people are easily distracted by big, fancy city slicker words, and that just makes me a cuckoo bird.

So what’s left to do? Sit down, hold on tight, maybe put on a helmet and prepare to have your freaking mind blown. We keep hearing about how the Citrus Bowl is supposed to be renovated, right? Instead of pumping all that money into a decaying stadium that once stood proud with the blood of UCF football running through its veins, we can employ the homeless people of Orlando to instead do the following:

1) Clean the Citrus Bowl daily. The city provides the cleaning supplies, some colorful t-shirts, three meals and a place to sleep in portable housing established at the fields next to the Citrus Bowl. You work, you can stay.

2) At the end of each week, if a predetermined list of objectives are achieved, then the workers will receive a bonus weekend gift card to be spent in any way they choose, with the exception of crystal meth, paint thinner and vanilla extract. Maybe check out Pier 1, and spice up that tent with a curio.

3) We’ll bring in teachers to come in and assist the workers in their education, helping those who have problems reading and understanding basic directions.

4) Once the field is in acceptable shape and the stands don’t stink of frat boy pee and vomit, we’ll hold open tryouts for an all-homeless football league. We’ll network to other cities and we’ll reach out to enterprising young and handsome future leaders like myself and provide entertainment and city pride by watching these rejuvenated people battle it out on the field they just helped repair.

5) We’ll eventually establish an entire Olympics competition featuring only homeless people and we’ll never again worry about vagrancy cluttering our streets because now they’ll be local heroes and we don’t have to worry about stepping over lifeless bodies on our way to work in the morning.

People will argue and say these ideas are barbaric and macho, and provide no real solution to the problem at hand, and to them I give a hearty *fart noise*. In the end, we’ll be providing income to people who will otherwise continue to beg for it, and then we can tax the hell out of them. Hooray, Capitalism!

Burnsy hopes his readers understand ironic and sarcastic social commentary, and if you do you can read more at WithLeather.com and Uproxx.com.