Ashley Burns… 12 DAYS of ORLANDO…
Since it’s the holiday season, I thought that in lieu of answering just one email from the millions of people who reach out to me each month, I’d put together something that’s good for humanity as a whole. When it comes to religion, I don’t necessarily adhere to your standard holidays like Christmas, Hanukkah and whatever the Canadians celebrate. I founded my own religion as a child – the Brotherhood of Galactic Sunshine, for those who may be interested in subscribing to my newsletter – but I’m still hip to all the standard holiday fare.
That’s why I thought that this month I could update a classic Christmas song for everyone in Orlando to embrace as their own personal holiday anthem. I’ve previously won Grammys for my work as a songwriter for U2, Celine Dion, Bobby McFerrin and Snow, so I know a thing or two about putting together a hit song. Without further ado, I give you Burnsy’s 12 Days of Orlando (sung, of course, to the tune of Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything For Love”)…
On the first day of Christmas, my on-and-off-again fling gave to me… another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the second day of Christmas, my late night booty call gave to me… Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the third day of Christmas, my friend’s ex-girlfriend gave to me… three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a Mako’s girl gave to me… cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the fifth day of Christmas, that crazy lady outside of Subway gave to me… FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a girl I met at Dancers gave to me… six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the seventh day of Christmas, this chick that claims she had a class with me at UCF gave to me… seven Magic Dancers, six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a player from the Orlando Fantasy gave to me… eight rounds at Taco Tuesday, seven Magic Dancers, six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
,On the ninth day of Christmas, my ex-girlfriend in Nevada who I still drunk text occasionally gave to me… No. 9 dropping 20, eight rounds at Taco Tuesday, seven Magic Dancers, six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the tenth day of Christmas, your dad’s ex-wife who still comes to UCF football games to visit gave to me… 10 Eola pigeons pooping, No. 9 dropping 20, eight rounds at Taco Tuesday, seven Magic Dancers, six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, two of the bartenders from Finnhenry’s gave to me… 11 coeds on our covers, 10 Eola pigeons pooping, No. 9 dropping 20, eight rounds at Taco Tuesday, seven Magic Dancers, six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my wonderful girlfriend with a great sense of humor and amazing patience gave to me, No. 12’s string of double-doubles, 11 coeds on our covers, 10 Eola pigeons pooping, No. 9 dropping 20, eight rounds at Taco Tuesday, seven Magic Dancers, six Irish car bombs, FIVE VIOLENT BUMS! Cans of Four Loko, three-pointers from JJ Redick, Dos Enchiladas and another win from Jeff Godfrey.
Burnsy wishes everyone a very merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, and joyous times for all of the other holidays that the word count czars won’t allow him to list. Keep on rocking the Blue and White and the Black and Gold in the New Year.
