Burnsy’s Greatest FMF Hits & Misses…

I can hardly believe that we’re celebrating the 10th anniversary of the Florida Music Festival this year. I can also hardly believe that I’ll be missing the iconic downtown celebration because two people couldn’t plan their wedding accordingly, or at least around my very busy schedule. Some people are just incredibly selfish jerks, is what I’m trying to say. If you’re going to plan something stupid like a wedding or a funeral, just ask me first if I’ve got plans. And so help you if you plan something on a Thursday and make me miss Archer. You’ll be in my doghouse with Gilbert Arenas.

But this is about FMF, not Gilbert’s ridiculous $60 million remaining over the next 3 years to turn the ball over 11 times in 14 minutes each game, and FMF is something that has given me countless memories over the years. When we gathered in the Axis bath house to discuss this issue and the 10th anniversary event, I originally suggested that I could marry Miss July Shanna McLaughlin on stage in front of everyone, and they told me that wouldn’t work because it has to be consensual and I was like, “What is this, Iran?” So we settled on sharing some memories, and that works even better, because I can remember every single detail of what I was doing during the headlining bands of the last 10 years*.

2002: Cowboy Mouth - Hell yeah, the first big name music act to take the stage at FMF, and I remember exactly where I was when they were belting out their most popular songs like “Jenny Says” and those others. I got to Wall Street right as the band was starting because I was breaking up a fight between two Orlando Predators cheerleaders over which one got to spend the night with me. Of course we all laughed because the answer was both!

2003: Mofro - This was the first time I had ever seen Mofro and they totally lived up to their billing as an awesome live act. After the show, me and some guys from the band took their bus to a back alley casino over in the Vietnamese district, and I won $600 playing Russian roulette.

2004: Less Than Jake/BuckCherry - I didn’t catch Buckcherry at this show because I had already heard their songs at every single strip club that I’ve ever been to. But I watched Less Than Jake because they are the greatest band ever and they fart Beatles songs.

2005: Everclear and Lit - For this show some friends and I celebrated a very important birthday by securing some tables at Monkey Bar to honor our friend. We ended up getting too drunk and we forgot to invite the birthday boy to his own party and he spent the night at home… Alone. (This one actually happened.)

2006: Third Eye Blind - I almost didn’t make it over to the main stage for this show because I was show-hopping and lending my star power to the local acts that make FMF worthwhile. On my way to 3EB’s show, I happened upon a bus full of supermodels and they had a flat tire. So I fixed it for them and then I showed them the proper push-up form.

2007: Flogging Molly - As an American male of Irish descent, I was very happy that FMF was finally featuring a headlining band that spoke to me. At one point they invited me on stage to play the bagpipes during one of their songs, but I had to decline based on the fact that any music I make is automatically considered the most beautiful ever.

2008: Blue Man Group - I don’t tell a lot of people this story because I’m humble and I don’t ever like to have attention on me, but I founded the Blue Man Group. After the act became an international sensation, the other members kicked me out of the group because I slept with their wives. Some of them weren’t even married, but while they were sleeping I performed weddings for them and filed the proper paperwork and then I slept with their wives.

2009: Filter - I only caught one of Filter’s songs because my House of Pain tribute band was performing at Amway.

2010: Anberlin - Pretty sure I was just flat out hammered for this one. Responsibly, of course.
*I may have made some of this up.
Follow Ashley on Twitter @MayorBurnsy for live Orlando Magic game coverage and his thoughts on why Gilbert Arenas owes him $3,330.